Muslim Women in the U.S. and their Attitudes towards Sex: The Battle Between Dignity and Desire

As women, we are generally programmed by societal norms and beliefs to view our sexual desires as “shameful”. No matter how progressive a society is, there has always been stigma around women embracing their sexuality and being able to explore it in any way they prefer. If women sleep around “too much”, we are called sluts. If we don’t do anything of sexual nature at all, we are called prudes and judged for being conservative. In short, as a woman, you just cannot win. Now, add the label of being a Muslim on top of being a woman and that is another layer of complexity. Sex in Islam is generally a taboo topic and sex is normally looked at as a means of procreation rather than pleasure. In a lot of traditional conservative interpretations of Quranic texts on the topic of sex, men are typically painted out to be the benefactors of the act while women are just seen as a means to an end. It is considered to be shameful for women to even mention the idea of sex and sexual activities publicly while men get a little more room to embrace their sexual desires. 

Growing up in a Western society, the conflict between one’s religious identity and personal desires and beliefs can be a tricky one to navigate. Western societies like the U.S are typically more accepting of liberal sexual attitudes and the feminist movement has made a lot of progress in the West too. Women are being portrayed in a sex positive manner in the media as well with modern shows such as Netflix’s Sex Education showing women using sex as a tool of self empowerment and confidence rather than a means of pleasing a man in their life. Thus, this leads one to wonder what the experience of American Muslim women is like where they are growing up in a dichotic world where their own families might be teaching them to suppress their sexuality as much as they can and the outside world is telling them that it is okay to explore and have sex for personal pleasure. 

I personally grew up in a relatively liberal household where I was taught to embrace my girlhood and was taught that women can do whatever they want and be whoever they want. I was taught to be confident and speak up for what’s right and that the limit for whatever I wanted to do in life was the sky. But even then, sexual liberation and sex was a topic that was never touched upon or talked about in my household. My parents, although relatively liberal, still consider sex before marriage a sinful act and if they found out that I am sexually active, it would most likely be an unforgivable offense. What has always struck me as ironic is the fact that women are expected to bear children and continue the family lineage which happens via sex however actually talking about sex and the act of it is forbidden and considered shameful. They are expected to please their husbands but expected to ignore their own needs and be in servitude. This creates a lot of sexual guilt and anxiety for Muslim women who want to act on their own personal desires but can’t vocalize because of external factors. 

A research study done by Sobia Al Faisal titled “Crossing sexual barriers: The influence of background factors and Crossing sexual barriers” delves deep into the concepts of Muslim shame and guilt. The study explores factors influencing sexual guilt and anxiety among Muslims, emphasizing the under-researched nature of sexual health in young Muslim adults in Canada and the United States. Key findings include the strong adherence to Islamic beliefs, particularly religiosity, as the most significant factor affecting sexual guilt and anxiety. Fear of self-judgment, fear of societal judgment, attitudes toward sexually permissive behaviors, and gender role attitudes are identified as contributing factors. According to the study, while some gender differences exist, gender itself does not significantly contribute to the experience of sexual guilt and anxiety. Another research study conducted by Shabani Mir titled “Not Too “College-Like,” Not Too Normal: AmericanMuslim Undergraduate Women’s Gendered Discourses” delves into the topic of hookup culture on college campuses and young American Muslim Women’s experiences with it. The study focuses on identity negotiations, challenges, and strategies employed in navigating complex social dynamics. The study, based on ethnographic fieldwork at Georgetown and George Washington Universities, involves 26 U.S. born or raised undergraduate Muslim females from diverse backgrounds. The research employs participant-observation, interviews, and analysis of various sources to understand how Muslim women construct their identities within academic and leisure spaces on campus. Specific examples, such as a student named Myra’s disguise of her sexual life and another student Heather’s conservative representation of Muslim dating, illustrate the strategies of identity “passing” used by Muslim women. The study also delves into the challenges of male-female interaction, the concept of “talking” in semi romantic relationships, and the struggles individuals face in the marriage market and community judgment. 

These studies helped me gain more clarification on something that I have known all along- For Muslim Women in the U.S. , the topic of sex is a constant battle between dignity and desire. For this Op-Ed, I interviewed some American Muslim women around me including my friends and sister to understand their perspectives on sex and familial relations. Common themes in the interviews included shame, guilt, and fear of their family’s perception of them. Here is what they had to say on how they felt about dating and sex in the U.S. as a Muslim Woman:

1. Maggie Sulce’26: Maggie is an Armenian Muslim woman and grew up in a relatively liberal household. However, there was still a lot of shame around sex and dating for her as a woman in her family. She said that she always felt like there was a double standard and the boys in her family were always encouraged to date and explore while the girls were shamed for not being able to sustain relationships or dating around. Her mom has been supportive of Maggie exploring her sexual identity and has helped her with finding resources to make sure she has a safe sex life. However, her dad is not as welcoming and still doesn’t know that she has an IUD or is active sexually. According to her, if he knew, he would be upset and ashamed which are two emotions that Muslim women know very well when it comes to sex. 
2. Mariam’25: Another friend I interviewed is an Afghani American Muslim. Her family is way more conservative than Maggie’s and neither her mom or dad are aware of her sexual life. She has always felt ashamed of embracing that part of herself and the constant mental gymnastics of having to hide who she is dating are exhausting. Mariam fears that her family will stop speaking to her if she ever told them that she has an active sex and love life and she has always felt a little resentment towards her parents for wanting her to embrace the ideals of a society she wasn’t raised in.
3. Neha’26: Neha’s family is originally from India and Indians are typically a little more liberal when it comes to dating as compared to people from other South Asian countries. Neha feels comfortable telling her parents about who she is dating however it is presumed that she isn’t actively having sex with her partners. She feels like there is still a stigma around sex if she explicitly told her parents, they won’t be as accepting. However, she did say that she feels like they would eventually come around to it and want her to be safe and she feels lucky because that is not the reality for a lot of girls in the same situation. 
4. F’24 ( F wanted to keep her full name anonymous ): I talked to my friend F who is Pakistani American about her feelings towards sex and dating. Since I am Pakistani American too, I have always connected to how a lot of people with similar backgrounds feel. F personally has had sex and barely dated in her adult life so far. She attributes it to both feelings of shame and guilt that were ingrained in her growing up regarding these issues and low self esteem that developed as a consequence. She expressed amusement at the irony of the stigma that exists around sex in Muslim communities and the emphasis on a patriarchal family structure. Although women aren’t allowed to talk about men or their sexual desires, they are expected to worship their future husband and do anything for their validation which results in a lot of Muslim women’s self esteem being tied directly to their husband’s happiness. This is tricky to navigate in a Western culture, according to F, since feminism has made so much progress in society here. She has had to do a lot of self work to remind herself she is a person outside of her family’s wishes for her personal life and controls the narrative of her own feelings and how she should feel about sex. 
5. N-Sibling ( My sister wanted to remain anonymous as well ): Lastly, I interviewed one of my sisters and asked her about how she feels about sex and dating. Even though we grew up in the same household and with the same parents, we have widely different opinions and attitudes towards the topic. My sister definitely feels more uncomfortable with dating and sex. She has never really dated anyone or had sex and she was honestly kind of hesitant to talk to me about the topic too. But she said a big part of why she has never been that much interested in actively pursuing that part of her life is because she is fearful of our parent’s reaction to it. She also said she feels a lot of shame due to the stigma around sex and dating in Muslim communities and living in a western society hasn’t really helped her get rid of the feeling. When asked if she ever wants to get out of her comfort zone and try to date someone, she said she would but is definitely going to take a lot of self work for her to feel comfortable with it.

Talking to all these women made me wonder if there is a way American Muslim women can meet men with similar values and backgrounds on their own accord without feeling scrutinized or judged for their beliefs. Shared experiences can make people feel less alone and a lot of Muslim women around me do want to marry within the faith or at least meet someone that understands the nuances of their tradition and culture. Dating apps are one way of having more control and filter out who you talk to since it is a requirement on most apps to put down lifestyle preferences to some extent as well as short bios to introduce yourself. But apps like Tinder and Hinge are mostly spaces used to casually hookup in this day and age and rarely anyone on there especially in their twenties is looking for something serious. These apps also tend to be less friendly towards people who are religious on any level and looking for someone with similar religious beliefs. 

There are apps tailored for Christian and Jewish people however I was curious to see if there are apps that are for Muslim people specifically. I discovered a NYT article discussing an app called Muzz which is a Muslim dating app created by a Muslim man. The app works the way apps like Tinder and Hinge do where users can pick their preferences and filter through people by swiping “left” ( i.e. no ) or swiping “right” ( i.e. yes ). Founders of Muzz actually have been hosting in person “singles” events where people can come and hang out over food and drinks ( non alcoholic of course )  to get to know each other. Events like these allow people to mingle in a low pressure environment since the stakes are low and there is no expectation of dating or something as serious as marriage. I think such an idea is a good way to desensitize Western Muslim communities to dating and allow women to have more autonomy over who they want to pick to be their partner. To end this Op-Ed, I believe that there is still a lot of work to be done by Muslim women who want to explore their sexuality in terms of working through the feelings of guilt and shame we are raised to internalize. A good way of doing this is to start by separating ourselves from our parents’ religious views and forming our own based on our understanding and interpretations of Islam. Islam, as a religion, does not serve to make women feel guilty or ashamed because they have natural desires and most modern day interpretations of Islamic tradition are rooted in patriarchal perspectives. We need to realize that this culture of shame and guilt around women merely existing as free willed beings in Islam is a product of conservative narrow minded men who are afraid of empowered women. Dissecting Islam in this way will help more Muslim women to become self confident and realize their autonomy. 

Bibliography

Ali-Faisal, Sobia F. “Crossing Sexual Barriers: The Influence of Background Factors and Personal Attitudes on Sexual Guilt and Sexual Anxiety among Canadian and American Muslim Women and Men.” Dissertation, Library and Archives Canada = Bibliothèque et Archives Canada, 2014. 

Hasan, Sadiba. “Muzz, a Muslim Dating App, Takes Its Matchmaking on the Road.” The New York Times, June 3, 2023. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/06/03/style/muzz-a-muslim-dating-app-takes-its-matchmaking-on-the-road.html. 

Mir, Shabana. “Not Too ‘college-like,’ Not Too Normal: American Muslim Undergraduate …” Anthropology and Education Quarterly , 2009. https://www.jstor.org/stable/25602226.