This collaring liturgy is based on a basic Christian marriage liturgy, and is structured based on the marriage version by the Reformed Church in America, a Presbyterian denomination.1 However, the ceremony can be altered to whatever denominational preferences of the participants.
Annotations discussing background information related to the BDSM community, commentary, and context will be bolded.
Background
What is BDSM?
The acronym is commonly agreed to stand for six concepts: Bondage, Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadism/Masochism. In this context, sadism and masochism describe the giving and receiving of pain, while dominance and submission describe the giving and receiving of power.2
This relationship between a Dominant and a submissive (also referred to as a Dom(me)/sub, D/s or power exchange relationship) is a relationship structure where the submissive partner yields a degree of authority to Dominant partner, who in turn takes a degree of responsibility for the submissive partner.3
This liturgy is focused on a D/s relationship, but it is important to keep in mind that individuals do not have to be involved in power exchange to be involved in the BDSM community, nor to individuals in a D/s relationship necessarily have to involved other aspects of BDSM, such as sadomasochism. In addition, individual D/s relationships can vary wildly in how much power is exchanged, how often the power exchange happens, and in what contexts the power exchange occurs, so there is no “one size fits all” model.4
What are collaring ceremonies?
Collars are typically worn by the submissive partner in a D/s relationship and are commonly used relationship symbols for D/s partnerships to signify the participants involvement in and/or commitment to the D/s relationship. It is commonly understood that wearing a collar in BDSM settings indicates the individual identifies as a submissive, and many find them to be deeply meaningful. Because of this, a common milestone is a collaring ceremony.
Collaring ceremonies are typically understood to be “an event that is considered the pinnacle of a D/s relationship,”5 and are ceremonies centered around making long-term/lifelong commitments, typically considered on par with marriage. This can sometimes involve a locking collar, the signing of permanent contracts, or the total yielding of power going forward. However, again, it is important to note that the goals for collaring ceremonies can vary, and do not have to be done solely in total power exchange contexts. In addition, many individuals may wear collars and have no desire for a formal collaring ceremony.6
Ceremony
The style and atmosphere of this ceremony can vary widely based on the participants preference, just as with a normal wedding, and could range from a small intimate affair to a large gathering with many guests.
As a note, officiants are not technically required since they are not legally binding on their own, but many choose to couple collaring with a traditional legal marriage, so for the purposes of this liturgy the presence of a minister is assumed.
SENTENCES
The minister calls the gathering to worship using this, or another desired scripture verse.
“My child, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, or lose heart when you are punished by him; 6 for the Lord disciplines those whom he loves, and chastises every child whom he accepts.”7 Endure trials for the sake of discipline.
– Hebrews 12:4-87
This is a Bible verse pulled out by Natalie Waste of Kink Theology as a candidate for interpretation through a BDSM lens. In this case, the verse is describing discipline and punishment as a positive method for personal growth, and while the passage is describing the context of discipline from the Lord, it can still be interpreted as meaningful by members of the BDSM community who find discipline/punishment to be an important component of their personal relationships.
STATEMENT OF PURPOSE
Spoken by minister after those in attendance are seated.
We have come together in the presence of God to
witness the joining of [Dominant] and [submissive]
together in their sacred covenant of collaring.
Through this joyful covenant, a Dominant and a submissive
choose to proclaim, before God and their community,
their commitment to each other and their roles,
embodying unity in spirit, physical being and material belongings.
They are affirming the presence and power of God
who empowers them to uphold their vows to each other
and to Christ in eternal service and reward.
Throughout the liturgy, you may notice a consistent method of capitalization: namely that submissive is always spelled in lowercase, while Dominant is capitalized. This is intentional and is a community standard to reflect the authority and submission of the respective parties.8
PRAYER
Let us pray.
Gracious God,
who grants us the covenant we bear witness to this day,
be with us now
as we celebrate the joyous collaring of [submissive] by [Dominant].
Grant them your blessing,
as well as eternal happiness in devotion and love. Amen.
DECLARATIONS OF INTENT
The minister signals for the submissive to kneel before the Dominant.
Addressing the Dominant:
Do you, [Dominant], take [submissive] to be your submissive who wears your collar?
I do.
Will you promise to love and shelter them,
in respect to their service to you,
providing a steady, guiding hand,
so that they may grow in their service to both you and the Lord,
as long as you should remain bound?
I will.
Addressing the submissive:
Do you, [submissive], take [Dominant] to be your Dominant who’s collar you shall wear?
I do.
Will you to serve and obey them,
in respect to their guidance of you,
providing loving obedience,
so that they may grow in the light of both you and the Lord,
as long as you should remain bound?
I will.
READINGS FROM SCRIPTURE
Minister may choose between the following verses or the participants may choose their own
As the Father has loved me,
-John 15:9-109
so I have loved you;
abide in my love.
If you keep my commandments,
you will abide in my love,
just as I have kept my Father’s commandments
and abide in his love.
This is commonly used scripture reading in many traditional marriages, and is included here as it implies the keeping of commandments from both the Lord and one’s partner, which may resonate in D/s relationships centered around rules and obedience.
Do not let loyalty and faithfulness forsake you;
Proverbs 3:3-610
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
So you will find favor and good repute
in the sight of God and of people.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own insight.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
This is another commonly used verse in marriage, and is included here as an option for spiritually guided participants who wish to acknowledge the Lord as leading them on their future path, as well as for the tongue in cheek call to take loyalty and faithfulness and “bind them around your neck” as a collar.
Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, in singleness of heart, as you obey Christ; not only while being watched, and in order to please them, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart. Render service with enthusiasm, as to the Lord and not to men and women, knowing that whatever good we do, we will receive the same again from the Lord, whether we are slaves or free.
And, masters, do the same to them. Stop threatening them, for you know that both of you have the same Master in heaven, and with him there is no partiality.
– Ephesians 6.5-911
This, alternatively, is a very nontraditional scripture, and may be viewed as controversial, as the original context Paul is discussing is slavery. However, Natalie Waste of Kink Theology once again provides a potential reading of the passage with a BDSM lens, which can provide an empowering, meaningful relationship model for D/s.
The passage encourages enthusiastic and self-directed service from those in submissive position, and suggests there is spiritual meaning in such an act “whether we are slaves or free”, which may empower individuals who chose to devote their life to service as submissives. Similarly, the passage also addresses those who hold power, reminding Dominants that they still remain under the guidance of the Lord. This encourages D/s relationships built on foundations of mutual respect and commitment to the Lord, while still condemning those who choose to exploit their power over others non-consensually.12
As Waste writes, “Paul’s teaching on slavery is actually a call to radically re-interpret the power dynamics we see around us in the light of Christ as well as a call for us all to view submission to Christ as the ultimate goal for our Christian discipleship.”13
THE MARRIAGE VOWS
The minister addresses the couple:
[Dominant] and [submissive],
join hands,
and before God, make your vows to each other.
Dominant:
I, [Dominant], take you, [submissive] to be my sworn submissive,
to shelter and guide from this day forward,
in plenty and in want,
in joy and in sorrow,
as long as we both remain bound.
To this covenant I pledge myself.
submissive:
I, [submissive], take you, [Dominant] to be my sworn Dominant,
to serve and obey from this day forward,
in plenty and in want,
in joy and in sorrow,
as long as we both remain bound.
To this covenant I pledge myself.
COLLARING
Minister asking Dominant:
What do you bring as a sign of your promise?
Minister receives collar from bearer (who may be anyone of the participants choosing, or the Dominant themself) and prays:
Lord, bless the giving on this collar,
so that [he/she/they] who gives it and [he/she/they] who wears it
may live in faithfulness and service,
so long as they both remain bound,
through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
This is a point to emphasize that while the common perception of D/s relationships is a male Dominant and female submissive, this ceremony is completely different gender neutral and is not limited to an exclusively 2-person, monogamous relationship. Any modifications to the ceremony to better fit the identities of the people involved are highly encouraged.
As the Dominant places the collar on the submissive’s neck, they say:
[submissive], I give you this collar
as a symbol of the covenant
we have made today,
before God and our community,
and as a symbol of my commitment.
After the collar has been placed on the submissive’s neck, they say:
[Dominant], I wear this collar
as a symbol of the covenant
we have made today,
before God and our community,
and as a symbol of my commitment.
DECLARATION OF COLLARING
Minister addresses congregation:
[Dominant] and [submissive]
have taken a solemn covenant
before God and all present today,
by the joining of hands and the receiving of the collar.
Therefore, declare that they are bound,
in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
The submissive may stand.
Those whom God has joined together with these solemn vows,
let no one separate.
The participants may choose to end their ceremony with a meaningful song/hymn, signing a contract and/or follow with a reception.
References
- Reformed Church in America. “Order for Christian Marriage.” Accessed November 27, 2021. https://www.rca.org/liturgy/order-for-christian-marriage/.
- Sarah. “BDSM 101: A Beginners Guide.” Sub in the City (blog), January 5, 2020. https://subinthecity.com/bdsm-101-a-beginners-guide/.
- “Category:Power Exchange – BDSM Wiki.” Accessed November 27, 2021. http://www.bdsmwiki.info/Power_exchange.
- “Category:Power Exchange – BDSM Wiki.”
- Evie Lupine. All About Collaring Ceremonies, 2019. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN9d8_YMsUI.
- Lupine, 2019.
- Natalie Waste. Kink Theology. “Bible Passages,” June 23, 2016. https://kinktheology.wordpress.com/bible-passages/.
- Life’s Hierarchy. “Dom and Sub Relationship | Master and Slave Relationships.” Accessed November 27, 2021. https://www.lifeshierarchy.com/d-s-relationship/.
- Reformed Church in America.
- Reformed Church in America.
- Natalie Waste. Kink Theology. “Slaves and Masters – A Kinky Person Reads Ephesians,” May, 7, 2016, https://kinktheology.wordpress.com/2016/07/05/slaves-and-masters-a-kinky-person-reads-ephesians/.
- Waste, 2016.
- Waste, 2016.
Hey, this is great! And thank you for using and referencing my work, I hope it was helpful. I’ve also created a Christian collaring ceremony for my own denomination (Anglican) which seems to follow a very similar pattern.
I’m so glad you like it! Your writing has been super inspirational to me, so thank you so much for the work you’re doing
This project is so awesome, Charlotte. This was incredibly creative and coming from a catholic background when I first saw what you created I was confused at how one would even go about doing this but as I read through it when you first introduced the project I became engrossed and absolutely loved it. This is such a cool project.
This project is so awesome, Charlotte. This was incredibly creative and coming from a catholic background when I first saw what you created I was confused at how one would even go about doing this but as I read through it when you first introduced the project I became engrossed and absolutely loved it. This is such a cool project.
I learned so much from this project! Such a creative idea and very informative.
I found this project super interesting especially coming from someone who doesn’t have a very religious background or much knowledge on the BDSM community. The collaring ceremony was particularly engaging since it represents the dynamic between the people in the relationship. I never thought about the similarities between traditional marriage ceremonies and BDSM!
I loved this so much. I remember hearing you talk about it in our small groups, so being able to read the final product with all the annotations was really awesome. I really appreciated the strength of the connection between this liturgy and traditional marriage liturgy, especially how well all the verses fit within the context of BDSM, which I never even would have considered previously. Wonderful work!
WOW! This is exceptional and so unique. I feel like we avoid talking about D/s relationships simply because sex and discussions sexuality are considered taboos in some cultures– especially in mine. But that does not mean it does not exist. And thus some erasure accompanies it. Putting these sort of well-written and researched liturgies in the limelight really shows how awesome and wholesome all our D/s communities are.
Your project was incredibly unique and extremely throughout! I loved your idea to focus on marriage ceremonies, as I think we all have preconceived notions of what they look like. It was great to see a very well researched project about a typically “taboo” topic.
I thought your project was amazing and touched on subjects that aren’t talked about a lot. The relationship between non-traditional sexual activities and religion is something that I haven’t heard of personally, and didn’t even come to think that it may be something that is wanted in that community. I hope someone within the BDSM community uses your liturgy and finds it useful!
Amazing and incredibly creative project! I never would have considered the intersections of BDSM and Christianity but everything you said was so valid. I’m just imagining traditional and Evangelical Christians crumbling when they learn about collaring ceremonies. But the scripture you incorporated into this is so interesting and it really helps me to understand the BDSM community, and I hope if this info was spread that it could reduce the stigma around the community.
This was such a creative idea! I think this could a powerful tool for helping Christian couples experiment with their sexualities. It kind of reminds me of that video we watched about the pastor that created the sex challenge for the people in his church, to help people loosen up their ideas about sex and sexuality. I love how you drew parallels between the collaring ceremony and biblical passages to create something totally unique.
When you presented this in class I was so intrigued because this is such a unique and niche topic overall. It was so interesting to to see the crossover between BDSM and dom/sub elements with an actual religious ceremony with a minister present! BDSM is typically not associated with religion but the connection you made with scripture was so interesting to learn about. Incredibly informative piece overall.
Thank you for sharing this project with us. I had always seen BDSM as something outside of Christianity, considering that our main focus is to love one another as equals. Not only that, but I viewed it as something outside the realm of Christianity BECAUSE there was no liturgy for it. You took a lot of thought and care into researching and developing this project and showing that there can be a place for things thought of as ‘outside Christianity’ in Christianity if we have the passion to look for it and research it. Thank you for opening my eyes!
This is so beautiful and creative. I think it’s so empowering to be able to invite spirituality in every aspect of life which includes collaring ceremonies for some people. BDSM can be a bit of a taboo topic, so, thanks for not being afraid to dive into it and you did it so creative and beautifully.
This is such a creative project. I believe that the work you did in this project is exactly what we discussed in class as bringing non-mainstream ideas into the mainstream biblical conversation. I am sure that this project could create a splash which could promote biblical discourse and ideas. Great job!
This was such an amazing topic that I knew nothing about and I did learn a lot reading it. Your project was very informative and very unique. I’ve never read or seen anything on a BDSM Marriage before and the vows were particularly impactful. Great work!